Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Biggest Regret...

Being a runner, I've heard so many coaches say things like, "Leave nothing out on the track!," " No Regrets!" etc. Maybe I've heard these types of slogans too many times because I have to say, I really don't think I have any major regrets. I mean, there aren't many college students who can say they don't regret having a few too many drinks, saying something stupid, or eating 7 layer nachos late at night, only to have an icky stomach the next day- those I'd classify as small insignificant everyday regrets, but as for my "biggest" regret, I guess I'd say it isn't a regret at all.

My biggest"non-regret" happened my freshman year. It's an amazing thing when you graduate high school-you lose any reputation you used to have, and get this chance to start anew so to speak. You go somewhere where almost no one knows you, and get a chance to make a new impression. I had braces through the end of my junior year of high school, and never really had a boyfriend. The idea of going on a date seemed far off for me. Coming to UNCW, there was this whole new world of parties and dating, and guys who were slightly more mature and seemed to look a little deeper- I guess what I'm trying to say is, all of the sudden, I wasn't a scared high schooler, and there were actually some boys who wanted to date me. I loved it. One of these guys was my best friend for the entirety of freshman year. He literally would do anything at all that I asked. That was the first thing I noticed about him. Once, only a few days after we'd met, I lost my wallet, and after calling him in somewhat of a panic, he came over right away to help me look for it. He would have dropped anything to help me. We had more fun together and a more natural connection than I'd ever really felt before, but as for being anything more than best friends never really occurred to me. I guess he saw things differently. At the time I saw nothing wrong with spending every day with him, letting him in on everything going on in my life, and even saying "I love you" to each other frequently. I saw him like a brother, despite the fact that we'd flirt and sometimes go out together. I just didn't understand how boundaries are different when you have a best guy friend- they can't do all the things girls do together, and we got WAY too close. Everyone assumed we were dating, and sometimes I wouldn't bother correcting them. When I found out for sure, that he cared about me in way beyond a platonic sense, it was too late- I had gone too far. I'd led him on for awhile, maybe because I had such strong feelings for him, and I can't lie and say the attention he paid me didn't contribute. Eventually things fell- and fell hard. It took a lot of mean things being said, and hurt feelings for our friendship to dissolve completely. Yet, I still refuse to call this a regret, because I learned so much about friendships, relationships, love, boundaries, college, and life. I would probably go through it again. I regret the pain I caused him, but I can't say I would change things, because by the time we got through it all, he and I had gained a lot.

To be continued...

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